innocence of children and abandonment

Today was a rough day,  starting with a storm of alarm and helplessness as I learned that my little lovely step daughter had to go to the clinic today with eczema on her eyes and all around sickness.  7 yrs old and has already had to deal with more pain than most of us could stand in a lifetime.  She has to deal with being picked on at school, divorce of her parents, and seeing way more than she should have in her short lifetime.

 After she returned home with  her mom from the clinic I was fortunate to be able to chat with her in skype. All she cared about was how much she loves me. I can't recall how many times she told me this,but every time was a song in my heart.  She spoke in poetic sentences and I know that she is will live to be a singer someday. 

She told me
 "You are the best thing love can ever send to the heart that got broken because you had to leave"
what do you say to that? the dams opened and my tears fell. So much love and forgiveness that I can't imagine I deserve.

It was after talking to her some things came up with her mother and myself and I had to look at things from someone else perspective. I have to stop telling her how much I care for her. It hurts this, but I didn't know it hurt her just as much to hear it. Funny how words meant with kindness and love can cut someone to the core. So I will take it to heart and trust its for the best.

Listening the little angels wisdom and words of love today made me have to empathise with the wishes of her mom.  The tears I shed talking to her made me almost wish i didn't love as strongly as I do. it does hurt to be halfway around the world from those you care about the most. I am thankful they have each other for hugs and cuddles.  I wish to share those myself but circumstances and distance as well as feelings of mom make that an impossibility.

When I was a small child I endured a lot of  abuse physical, sexual, emotional, and spent a lot of time alone at an age a child should never be alone. Social services  were called on my father several times to take me away but I was rescued by family members or neighbours every time.

I lived with my father because my parents divorced and he had lost three children of a previous marriage while in a Sanitarium for tuberculosis. Those three children had never  been found until about 10 yrs ago 1 was found by my sister long after my father had passed.

I had a half sister and  half brother from my mother and she took them with her. I was 5 and was left with my dad. I saw my mom and siblings a few times before they moved away and disappeared. I never really came to grips with this and I believe this has been the source of my abandonment issues.

My sister found me when I was 21 or so and i went to visit but there was not the closeness that was there as children. We had been raised in different environments and had different values. It just never worked out and  I again lost contact. I never saw my mother at that time.

About age 28 I again was contacted by my sister and transferred to where she lived after several long phone conversations. It was at this time I was reintroduced to my mother. She  had married an elder of a local metis band and was herself becoming and elder and learning the ways of shamanism. I thought this is great and began to study with "Papa John". I took part in some sweat lodge ceremonies and tagged along on some cleansing of dwellings. I have seen some amazing images in the smoke and had my dreams haunted by drums and was introduced to the raven that became a big part of my life.

I had been married to a white woman who happened to be blond and although separated I was anxious to try to recover the marriage and asked for the wisdom to do so in a sweat lodge ceremony one day. It was after this  ceremony that my mother took me aside and told me that she didn't support me getting back with this "blond bitch" and that it was not right for me to ask for help in this. Strange this was to me as I know she was supposed to be non judgemental and supportive in my needs.

It was shortly after this that she told me that I would never amount to anything ever, and that if I associated with white people she wanted nothing to do with me. It only took me a few minutes to understand that this woman was not a true elder of the people, and she definitely was not good for me. I went to her and told her that I had forgiven her for all her past mistakes but I was no longer interested in trying to maintain a relationship of any kind with her. I just didn't have room in my heart for her negativity. I left and I haven't seen her since. Some would say that I should go find her and try again, to you I would say that what i have said to you is but the tip of the iceberg of the deeds that prevent me from doing so. I will not disrespect her to recount them here, but I also will not have that kind of person in my life influencing me with her energy.  I will continue to pray for her as I have been advised for its her that needs it as much as I do. Its all I can do for her anymore.