reasons for living

Having discovered a life connection with an amazing woman in a foreign country, I have pulled up my roots and made my  way to her arms. I find myself feeling insecure and even afraid of the future. The tiniest bumps in the road become major obstacles and I withdraw my emotions and try to deal with issues in a strictly logical way.
When this doesn't work I lash out with hateful words and accusations. I have lost the loving man I had always strived to be. Outwardly I am the same person but inside is a storm of fear and unreasonable expectations.
The saddest of the situation is I come to the conclusion that by running away I can somehow rescue myself and save the relationship. All I needed to do was to acknowledge my fears and share them in a reasonable manner. I fear that I have lost all that matters to me at this point in my life.
She loves me unconditionally but the  bitter words and hateful looks i send her way have cut her to the bone, have left her with a hurt that she  fears she may not recover from.
As the time for our parting closes in on me I secretly pray for her to beg me to reconsider, to give me hope for our future, but the damage I have done is too severe for  her to do anything but give up.
I have expressed hope for  our future and realise that there is a part of  me that needs to be purged and cleansed. The man who is not the loving person I desire to be must go away forever if there is to be reconciliation and happiness with this lovely lady in my life.
In her wisdom she knows I must seek out the the elders and get in touch with my roots for there is the secret to my healing.
This blog will chronicle my journey and serve to me to be a reminder of where I was and show me the progress I make on my journey to self discovery and satisfaction in this life. I hope at the end I shall be able to announce that I am with my life partner and an truly treating her with the  kindness, love and respect she so truly deserves.
I understand that to meet my desired result I must learn to love myself also unconditionally, and trust that the ancestors and the earth mother will guide me to fulfillment. I expect it to be a hard fought battle, and I am fearful of what I may discover about myself on the way, but I am committed to this path for surely I have failed myself in failing this lovely lady.