innocence of children and abandonment

Today was a rough day,  starting with a storm of alarm and helplessness as I learned that my little lovely step daughter had to go to the clinic today with eczema on her eyes and all around sickness.  7 yrs old and has already had to deal with more pain than most of us could stand in a lifetime.  She has to deal with being picked on at school, divorce of her parents, and seeing way more than she should have in her short lifetime.

 After she returned home with  her mom from the clinic I was fortunate to be able to chat with her in skype. All she cared about was how much she loves me. I can't recall how many times she told me this,but every time was a song in my heart.  She spoke in poetic sentences and I know that she is will live to be a singer someday. 

She told me
 "You are the best thing love can ever send to the heart that got broken because you had to leave"
what do you say to that? the dams opened and my tears fell. So much love and forgiveness that I can't imagine I deserve.

It was after talking to her some things came up with her mother and myself and I had to look at things from someone else perspective. I have to stop telling her how much I care for her. It hurts this, but I didn't know it hurt her just as much to hear it. Funny how words meant with kindness and love can cut someone to the core. So I will take it to heart and trust its for the best.

Listening the little angels wisdom and words of love today made me have to empathise with the wishes of her mom.  The tears I shed talking to her made me almost wish i didn't love as strongly as I do. it does hurt to be halfway around the world from those you care about the most. I am thankful they have each other for hugs and cuddles.  I wish to share those myself but circumstances and distance as well as feelings of mom make that an impossibility.

When I was a small child I endured a lot of  abuse physical, sexual, emotional, and spent a lot of time alone at an age a child should never be alone. Social services  were called on my father several times to take me away but I was rescued by family members or neighbours every time.

I lived with my father because my parents divorced and he had lost three children of a previous marriage while in a Sanitarium for tuberculosis. Those three children had never  been found until about 10 yrs ago 1 was found by my sister long after my father had passed.

I had a half sister and  half brother from my mother and she took them with her. I was 5 and was left with my dad. I saw my mom and siblings a few times before they moved away and disappeared. I never really came to grips with this and I believe this has been the source of my abandonment issues.

My sister found me when I was 21 or so and i went to visit but there was not the closeness that was there as children. We had been raised in different environments and had different values. It just never worked out and  I again lost contact. I never saw my mother at that time.

About age 28 I again was contacted by my sister and transferred to where she lived after several long phone conversations. It was at this time I was reintroduced to my mother. She  had married an elder of a local metis band and was herself becoming and elder and learning the ways of shamanism. I thought this is great and began to study with "Papa John". I took part in some sweat lodge ceremonies and tagged along on some cleansing of dwellings. I have seen some amazing images in the smoke and had my dreams haunted by drums and was introduced to the raven that became a big part of my life.

I had been married to a white woman who happened to be blond and although separated I was anxious to try to recover the marriage and asked for the wisdom to do so in a sweat lodge ceremony one day. It was after this  ceremony that my mother took me aside and told me that she didn't support me getting back with this "blond bitch" and that it was not right for me to ask for help in this. Strange this was to me as I know she was supposed to be non judgemental and supportive in my needs.

It was shortly after this that she told me that I would never amount to anything ever, and that if I associated with white people she wanted nothing to do with me. It only took me a few minutes to understand that this woman was not a true elder of the people, and she definitely was not good for me. I went to her and told her that I had forgiven her for all her past mistakes but I was no longer interested in trying to maintain a relationship of any kind with her. I just didn't have room in my heart for her negativity. I left and I haven't seen her since. Some would say that I should go find her and try again, to you I would say that what i have said to you is but the tip of the iceberg of the deeds that prevent me from doing so. I will not disrespect her to recount them here, but I also will not have that kind of person in my life influencing me with her energy.  I will continue to pray for her as I have been advised for its her that needs it as much as I do. Its all I can do for her anymore.

Einstein said

A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."-Albert Einstein

Came across this today and it struck a chord within me. I have many times thought that we are all locked in our own little world. We find it hard to imagine a situation in any way other than how we ourselves see it. Small wonder that we are so often surrounded with conflict.

I must strive to understand that my personal view although it may be correct for me doesn't need to be the only way to look at a situation. What may be logical and obvious to me may not be obvious or even acceptable for another. This is a lack of understanding on my part.  We are all unique, with opinions formed by our experiences, obstacles and even our response to those  obstacles.  We would all do well to walk a mile is someone else's shoes before we try to force our opinions upon them.

I think one of the greatest obstacles I have had in my life is an inability to get close to many people at the same time.  It is almost as if I am afraid that the more I share my love around the more diluted it will become. I have always had one or two close friends and many acquaintances.  I would spend all my time with my close friends and could not seem able to find time for the friends I had met but never pursued...  I would get anxious in group setting with my close friends almost afraid that somehow someone would take them from me.

It's a small realisation that my own insecurities and abandonment issues have prevented me  from opening up to all the blessings life had put in front of me that I just didn't follow up on.  Even in love relationships it has been a struggle to let my partner be herself and spend time away from me. What if she meets someone better, what if she leaves me behind, what if she stops spending time with me, what if I am not  enough to let her be happy.

It is exactly these attitudes that constitute the failure I set myself up for. In my blind need to love and be loved, I have slowly  smothered the flames myself with my insecurities. Sitting at home anxiously while my partner  is out is just pointless and futile. Why am i not using this time to foster my own friendships and relationships. Why must I limit my love to a few  individuals instead of  offering myself to the world as a whole. I have much to learn, and also much to teach. There is great wisdom locked away in me and in everyone I meet. All I need to do is open the door and let it swing wide. 

Today I walked along the river and just tried to open myself to what great spirit had put in front of me, and  I was fortunate to get to listen ot the song of a cardinal singing away in the cold white winter air. I know the cardinal can symbolize a need to recognise my importance to myself and to others.

 I need to listen to what is blowing on the winds... I should try to focus on the song inside myself  for my own health and well being. The appearance of cardinal in my life tells me to assert my creativity and intuition more strongly.  I would do well to add colour to my life and remember that all I do is important and has effects beyond myself.  (from Animal Speak, The Spiritual & Magical Powers of Creatures Great & Small)

reasons for living

Having discovered a life connection with an amazing woman in a foreign country, I have pulled up my roots and made my  way to her arms. I find myself feeling insecure and even afraid of the future. The tiniest bumps in the road become major obstacles and I withdraw my emotions and try to deal with issues in a strictly logical way.
When this doesn't work I lash out with hateful words and accusations. I have lost the loving man I had always strived to be. Outwardly I am the same person but inside is a storm of fear and unreasonable expectations.
The saddest of the situation is I come to the conclusion that by running away I can somehow rescue myself and save the relationship. All I needed to do was to acknowledge my fears and share them in a reasonable manner. I fear that I have lost all that matters to me at this point in my life.
She loves me unconditionally but the  bitter words and hateful looks i send her way have cut her to the bone, have left her with a hurt that she  fears she may not recover from.
As the time for our parting closes in on me I secretly pray for her to beg me to reconsider, to give me hope for our future, but the damage I have done is too severe for  her to do anything but give up.
I have expressed hope for  our future and realise that there is a part of  me that needs to be purged and cleansed. The man who is not the loving person I desire to be must go away forever if there is to be reconciliation and happiness with this lovely lady in my life.
In her wisdom she knows I must seek out the the elders and get in touch with my roots for there is the secret to my healing.
This blog will chronicle my journey and serve to me to be a reminder of where I was and show me the progress I make on my journey to self discovery and satisfaction in this life. I hope at the end I shall be able to announce that I am with my life partner and an truly treating her with the  kindness, love and respect she so truly deserves.
I understand that to meet my desired result I must learn to love myself also unconditionally, and trust that the ancestors and the earth mother will guide me to fulfillment. I expect it to be a hard fought battle, and I am fearful of what I may discover about myself on the way, but I am committed to this path for surely I have failed myself in failing this lovely lady.